After the first war my demons left
me alone for five years. Life was good;
calm and peaceful, well for the most part.
Bullies have always been a part of
my life. Like my demons three, my
bullies attacked me mentally as well as physically. They beat me but never defeated me. I couldn’t tell anyone because every time I
did I was dismissed.
I had to learn to defend myself and
defend myself I did. My bullies seemed
to serve as my battle trainees, testing me on a daily basis. They helped to harden my skin, sharpen my
sword, and build my armor.
In 1989 my second war began. Unlike my first war, which only lasted four
months, this war would last three years.
My demons three had to make up for the long silence. The taught me a few hard lessons that I
learned, and learned well. They forced
me to grow up quickly.
I had been shielded from a lot of
things but the first thing I learned was that there was another demon out there
that would assist my demons three, but one that I will never be able to
defeat. He has come near me twice before
but we were never introduced. His name
is Death.
Death seems to be the shot across
the bow that would awaken my demons three.
This second war was to bring new battles, battles I could not win. Nothing my bullies ever did could have
prepared me for what was to come.
Our house had been blessed with two
new babies. One full time while the
other stayed ninety percent of the time.
I was the watcher and protector over the one partly named after myself.
One day I was running home from
bullies chasing me. They stopped before
they normally gave up and I was proud of myself. As I came around the corner I seen my little
brother and nephew playing catch with a football. When they saw me my little brother ran up to
me and said, “You better stop smiling, baby Angel died.”
I couldn’t believe it. I ran to the house and my mother was standing
in the doorway crying. All the adults in
the house were crying. In my ear I heard
a deep dark voice whisper in my ear, “Miss me?”
“No,” I shouted.
Everyone thought I yelled because
of the news, and partly I was, but because my demons three had returned and
they took the life of someone I loved to get to me. To this day I have never forgiven myself for
her death.
For the next seven days I went into
a destructive tailspin. I was cold, I
was angry, I wanted to die and be buried with her. Since I couldn’t I placed a teddy bear I had
that she loved to gum on inside her casket.
I thought about suicide the day of
the funeral. There was so many people
around, everyone off in their own little world.
I could have disappeared and no one would have known it for days. I did the only thing I knew I could do, I bottled
everything up inside.
I was the good one. I was the one with no problems. I was the one who took care of the little
ones, even though I was little myself. I
did what was expected of me, always.
When I got back to school my first
victory was awaiting me. While I’ve been
in fights before they were never fair and always one sided. My armor had always repelled their insults
and calls of fat, ugly, and stupid had not truly phased me. On this day I left my armor at home.
One bully had missed his
target. For seven days he wasn’t able to
insult me and put me down to make himself feel better. During the morning classes I had to talk to
the school counselor to make sure I was okay to return to class. Being a guidance counselor she was in way
over her head.
I went to lunch, where I sat by
myself, reading a book, as normal, but didn’t eat anything. After lunch I went to gym, and so did my
bully.
He purposely skipped his class and
went to my gym class to pick a fight. That
was his fatal mistake.
Words were exchanged. I gave him a warning that today was not the
day to mess with me. I told him to back
off three times. However, my demons
three were there whispering in both our ears.
Everything I was telling my bully I
was telling them as well. Everyone has a
breaking point, a point where they finally say, ‘Fuck it,” and truly mean
it. Where they break beyond all
repair. I had finally reached mine.
Again, I always did what I was
supposed to, what was expected of me, the right thing, remember I was the good
one. We were all sitting on the gym
floor in single file rows. I stood up to
go tell the coach this kid wasn’t even supposed to be in this class. He stood up too, blocking me.
Everything that happened next
happened within twenty seconds but for me it felt like hours. To this day I am sorry for what I had done
and yet I’m not. This boy had tormented
me almost every day all school year. I
did what I was supposed to, I told, and that just make matters worse because no
one ever did anything about it. Not one
teacher, not one counselor, not one administrator, NO ONE!
I blame them all for what happened next.
I was standing on the edge of
sanity and my demon, the voice, pushed me over and into the deep dark abyss in
my soul. Here I found a home.
As tears rolled down my face I
lunged at the boy. The look of horror on
his face as we both fell to the floor burned forever in my brain, it was the
last time he would look normal to anyone.
On the ground I sat on his chest,
pinning his arms down with my knees, as had been done to me so many times
before. My entire weight on his chest,
keeping him from being able to breathe.
My fist began to fly into his
face. Before this moment the only thing
my fist had ever hit were boards in our yard.
This was my first taste of blood and I liked it.
I wasn’t pounding his face, I was
pounding the floor under his head. I
broke his cheek bone and popped his left eye slightly out of its socket. Nothing around me existed and I had no idea
that it took the two males coaches and a female coach to pull me off.
I tried to get back to him. He needed to suffer for everything I have
suffered. I remember climbing to the top
of the bleachers and not allowing anyone to get near me. I remember sitting in the office as many
adults came in and out, looking at me in my gym clothes and looking at me in disbelief.
What was said to me or about me I
do not remember. I kept blacking out,
where I was in my dark abyss, wrapping myself in a blanket of darkness. I had no idea what was going on.
Finally I was allowed to
change. Nothing was going to happen to
me. I was dismissed and sent home. For the next two weeks everyone kept their
distance from me.
To be continued…
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